Sunday, August 12, 2012

Creepy by association: Ice Cream Trucks

(Editor's note: Yes, it's been awhile since this feature appeared on Warning Signs. I'm glad it's back. Enjoy!)

it is hot as balls here and I bet it's hot where you live, too. (If it's not, go screw yourself.) The heat has caused me to crave ice cream and popsicles like some kind of frozen treat junkie. That made me remember the guy who drove his four-wheeler around my neighbor selling popsicles when I was a kid. That made me think of ice cream trucks. That made me think about just how fucking creepy ice cream trucks are.

Let's have a look, shall we?

Ice cream trucks are creepy by being associated with a few different things that are creepy on their own, namely clowns and child predators (which are sometimes the same person, right Pogo?) It's a perfect set up if you are one of these creeps. The kids come running to you, usually out of sight of parents. If they come running at you in a bunch, well, you do your job and sell your ice cream. If they come at you alone (If you are reading this, kids, DO NOT DO THIS! Safety in numbers), well, I'd rather not go there.

There are more YouTube videos fro creepy ice cream trucks than I thought there would be. This is disturbing on its own. The good news is that a few vigilant citizens are getting some of these on tape. I'm not saying every ice cream truck driver wants to steal your children. In fact, I'd say most of them don't. But some of the videos bother me. If YouTube can be considered a trusted source, there are WAY too many unmarked vans playing tinny music and drawing children out in the open on the promise of sweet cold treats.

The other thing I noticed while watching some of these videos is that you never know when an ice cream truck is going to show up. You can hear the (atrocious) music for miles around before you actually see the damn van. Just when you think it's safe to go back inside--BAM!-- the creepy fucker is right there.

The ice cream trucks that come to mind for me are in Ice Cream Man starring Clint (Ron's brother) Howard and the "Masters of Horror" episode We All Scream for Ice Cream. And who could forget Sweet Tooth and his truck from the Twisted Metal video game?

So remember kids, just because the van plays fun music, it may not be safe. Just to be sure, always have a buddy with you.

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