Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Cabin in the Woods: The First Rule

The first rule of "The Cabin in the Woods" is you do not talk about "The Cabin in the Woods."
The second rule of "The Cabin in the Woods" is you DO NOT TALK about "The Cabin in the Woods."

Which makes writing a review of the film tough. Thrillers and horror flicks are like that. You don't want to give away the ending or reveal the killer before a majority of the population has seen it. I won't. You have my spoiler-free guarantee.

So where do we go from here? Since you are reading this, I know you have either some interested in the horror genre or you are a sadist and just like to read what I have to write. Fair enough. I can talk to each of you.

First, the horror fans.

OH MY GOD! You have to see this movie before someone ruins it for you. Co-writers Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard have crafted the ultimate horror fan movie. The "Scream" franchise and all its nods to the past can go suck it.

To the casual fans:

You should see this, too, if for no other reason than to witness a handbook on how to do self-aware cinema. It's OK if you don't like to see a bunch of blood splatter. You'll know (usually) when to close your eyes.

For the total non-fan:

I won't say, "go screw yourself," because that would be mean. I will tell you that this could have major crossover appeal. Just give it a chance. You won't get all the jokes, but if you are even a little culturally aware, you'll get enough of them to have a good time. Just try to ignore the cackling weirdo in the back row. He's the one crapping his pants wishing he had written this film.

After you see it, email me. I need to talk to somebody about this movie without the shadow of spoilers.

THREAT LEVEL: RED. I don't have a level above red. If I did, this would be it. I haven't had this much fun at a horror movie since I watched three teen girls crying in "Drag Me to Hell."

"The Cabin in the Woods" is directed by Drew Goddard, produced by Joss Whedon and co-written by Goddard and Whedon. Stars a pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, and Kristen Connolly.


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