Monday, September 19, 2011

V vs Z: Oh, the stupidity

UPDATE: The full Vampires versus Zombies episode is available online here.

Much was made of Spike TV's truly stupid show, "Deadliest Warrior", which pits both real and fictitious characters against each others in a battle to see who is strongest. You know, who would be strongest in a totally scripted battle that likely ignores some attribute of either warrior ...

Not that I take issue with the sheer stupid premise of this creation. I'm a woman, I'm not Spike's target audience and I'm OK with that. Also, I don't have cable.

So yeah, the season finale that pits Vampires against Zombies? Not going to see it.

All that being said, I'm going to enter the fray of this absolutely ridiculous discussion as to why this whole thing is no contest. Who do I think wins? Vampires. Duh.

Let's compare our two creatures, shall we? We have two forms of undead, one rotting, one essentially living. Both require fresh human flesh/blood to continue survival. Zombies are a non-thinking, robotic entity, a shell of their former life incapable of plotting, digesting their opponents weaknesses, coming up with strategy, etc. Yes yes, it's becoming more popular to allow zombies to learn and evolve, but that's biologically ridiculous. They're dead. All of their functions are based on muscle memory and whatever small electrical impulses remain in their brains to keep those muscles working. Depending on your mythology, they may have extra strength and can rip you to pieces. However, they are also rotting and have a tendency to fall apart, especially if unfed. They do have a daylight advantage. They're main function: Eat flesh. Spread the virus.

Vampires are thinking, plotting, strategizing undead monsters. They will eat you, but they might torture you just for fun first. They have superhuman strength, sometimes claws (again, mythology differences), fangs for sure and crave human blood. Depending on your viewpoint, an unfed vampire will weaken, sometimes morphing into a strange, batlike creature that is actually a bit more crazy dangerous and has more in common with zombies (ala "Daybreakers" - awesome movie, btw). Where the Z man is all instinct, V has a bit of Freud's Id left, seeing what he wants and being able to figure how to obtain it. They're main function: Drink blood. Destroy humanity (maybe make some little vampire friends along the way. Can't live for eternity alone).

Killing both is easy: Zombies need to lose their heads and/or have brain destroyed. Vampires need their heart destroyed (or entire body -- via fire, daylight, etc.).

Who wins this? Obviously the creature capable of seeking out and methodically destroying his prey. Yes, zombies have a tendency to crowd and could overwhelm a weak vamp, but traditional zombies aren't actively seeking prey. They're just stumbling around, moaning a little, eating what comes by. Also, they wouldn't be seeking vampires because -- dum de dum -- they're dead. Zombies want living flesh. So their motivation to destroy a vampire is what now?

OK, so if you've seen the show, feel free to poke holes all you want to. We're always open to enthusiastic debate here on Warning Signs.

But please, let's just remember what we're discussing here: Unreal zombies killing unreal vampires. If you really are having the VvsZ debate after every episode of The Walking Dead as one article suggests, I have only one thing to say for you:

Get a life. And probably a girlfriend.

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