Friday, June 10, 2011

Dressing to kill and/or see Friday the 13th

This column originally appeared on on Feb. 20, 2009.

Odds are if you are reading this, you've already seen the new FRIDAY THE 13TH remake. You either loved it or hated it. That's how it goes with remakes, especially in horror.

If you haven't seen this, you aren't alone. I'm headed out right now to go stand in line, wearing a T-shirt with the original FRIDAY THE 13TH poster art on it and a hockey mask belt buckle.

I'd be willing to bet that I'm not the only one dressed like this. Someone will have a hockey mask on. Some will have the plain white five dollar Halloween version and some will have the "official" mask that is sold by itself or with a plastic machete.

They won't last long. Public places like theaters, malls and, if you are like me and live in Las Vegas, casinos, don't take kindly to masked patrons, even for a horror movie.

Look, it isn't our fault

that some of us get a bit overzealous. Our heroes just happen to wield dangerous objects and hide their faces. In many ways, it isn't fair. Theater managers don't turn away kids dressed like wizards, do they? You wouldn't refuse to sell a ticket to someone just because they really wanted to be a pirate, would you?

The way it's going, the only acceptable fan costume is to paint your face for the once-a-year showing of THE CROW.

Any Hot Topic shopper can do that.

I'm a nice guy most of the time and I wouldn't want to leave you without a solution to this dilemma. Wear the mask. When someone asks you to take it off, do. Trust me on this. Remember the reasons why Jason wears a mask in the first place. Same reason the Phantom of the Opera does.

Do yourself up good. Blood and scars and pus, skin falling off, the

whole deal. That person will think twice before asking someone to remove a mask. If that won't work for you or you are going with a group, dress as victims instead. Same concept as the "beneath the mask" gag only without the mask. One thing to remember, however, is to not obscure your vision. You wouldn't want to miss the movie, would you?

If you do dress up (and I do encourage it; if you are going to pay $12 for two hours of entertainment, you should make it an event) you should also consider the concessions. If all you need are a Coke and Milk Duds, you should be fine.

If you are like me, you need popcorn. Preferably popcorn forced to swim in a sea of butter-flavored topping. So much butter that the kernels begin to wilt and your fingers are covered in a greasy residue that is at once irresistible and totally


Are you going to wipe that hand on the Jason Voorhees hockey jersey it took you two months to save up for? Are you going to risk having your lard-encased fingers ruining the three-hour make-up job when you have to cover your eyes? Are you going to remember to grab napkins and then not lose them when you set them on the armrest next to you?

Maybe a T-shirt and jeans is the best way to go. Jeans, after all, are nature's napkins. It will be less hassle in the end. You won't lose your place in line; you won't have to worry about someone ruining your make-up if they get scared and choose you to press up against. Popcorn will enter the mouth with no impediments.

Best of all, your secret identity as a masked mass murderer will remain intact. No one ever suspects the person not wearing a mask to be the killer.

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